It's easy to screw things up for yourself. to hurt yourself in the most painful possible way. At least for me. I somehow have the amazing ability to break my heart. over and over again. I guess there may be a good side to this, when I'm in pain my creative side shows through. Yet my creativity is almost morbid at times like these. I don't deem it necessary to inform you why I'm in pain; Just know it's relational between me and my now x-girlfriend for whom I am in desperate love with ( not in the creepy stalkerish way ) .

I have made many indescribably wicked mistakes in my past and yet I know now what I did and I won't do again... is it too late? or am I being impatient? I guess if I let time pass things between us will heal... hopefully. I love Amanda ( My Ex ). hopefully things will get better.

To let you know, she's just a large piece of many problems. losing my job, friends, girlfriend, parents pissed off at me... I'm a failure in nature, a natural failure. I want to be better, I want to improve myself and I think I've found my release in photography. I don't know how I will do it but I will get myself a good camera... hopefully either a ( Sony DSLR-A100 ) or even a ( Nikon d80 ) or hell what I really want a ( Canon EOS 50D Digital camera - SLR - 15.1 Megapixel - 4.8 x optical zoom ) Oh what i would do with that camera... I could almost make love to it

well. I'm feeling better now. thank you for listening. good bye.